With the final election results for Australia’s 2019 Elections in, it has become apparent that Australia has yet again come in second to the United States when voting for crazy extremists who couldn’t actually care less about the people of their country.
True, Australians did vote against their best interests by relecting the Coalition, much in the same way that Republicans voted in President Donald Trump. But experts say Australia has notably failed to live up to the high standard America has set when it comes to electing people of either poor quality, low morals or a combination of both.
In one widely pointed-to case, brash Australian billionaire Clive Palmer spent $60 million for himself and his United Australia Party (UAP) and, in spite of following Trump’s game plan down to wearing a red tie and borrwing his slogan to urge voters to “Make Australia Great”, failed to win a single seat.
Pundits are speculating as to whether leaving out the word “Again” at the end of the famous catch phrase turned voters against the UAP, as it implied that Australia had never been great, and couldn’t possibly become great unless Mr Palmer was elected. One supporter of this theory, electoral analyst Dud Polling, pointed out that “Mr Trump at least implied that America had once indeed been great”, despite, the analyst said, no one being able to point to an actual time.
For her part, political specialist Polly Wrong told The (un)Australian that another clear sign of Australia’s failure to match American exceptionalism in this area was the failure of far right candidate Fraser Anning to keep his Senate seat. In what Ms Wrong said “would have been a winning approach in many areas of America”, the former Senator said of the Christchurch Massacre: “The real cause of bloodshed on New Zealand streets today is the immigration program which allowed Muslim fanatics to migrate to New Zealand in the first place.”
“It is therefore unsurprising,” Ms Wrong said, “to hear Anning will be leaving Australian politics and instead run for king of Alabama.”
For his Alabama campaign, Anning is adding two additional platforms expected to have wide appeal in the inbred state that follow the same logic as condemning Muslims for being the victims of an attack on themselves.
First, Anning will campaign on blaming victims of sexual assault based on the scientific fact that without them having orifices, rape would be an impossibile. Two, he will seek to blame sexually abused children for being sexually abused on grounds that this would be impossible if they weren’t children.
This dual approach is expected to enchant Alabama voters who support the recently passed anti-abortion law that fails to make exceptions for rape and incest, and to the majority of white voters who voted for accused child molester Roy Moore in the US Senate.
Peter Meisel is a confessed American