A judge has sentenced a Sydney couple to 10 years hard labour for the crime of “Being A Thoroughly Entitled Dickhead” after they brought a pram to the annual Festival of Being Crushed in a Crowd, popularly known as “Vivid”.
“You deliberately and cruelly entered a dark public space filled with half-a-million already stressed out members of society and made them scurry out of the way of your totally oblivious offspring,” said the Honourable Justice Beryl Stern as she handed down sentence to Gymea parents Jason and Kelly Bugaboo. “For the love of God if you wanted to amuse your kids just dangle a set of keys in front of them, don’t inflict them on the rest of us. Everything looks like gaily coloured lights to them at that age.”
“I dare not tell the other prisoners what I’m in for or they’ll bash me,” said contrite father Jason Bugaboo. “If anyone asks I just say that I pushed a grandmother down 10 flights of stairs and that seems to satisfy them.”
“I did it and I’d do it again because I’m a bad-assed rebel who lives outside the law,” snarled unrepentant mother Kelly Bugaboo. “Stuff hiring a babysitter for the night or waiting until my whiny sprogs are old enough to trot around without the aid of a crotch high tripping hazard.”
The judge praised the restrained actions of the rest of the crowd who under strong provocation didn’t pick up the offending pram and hurl it into Sydney harbour after a count of three.