An absolute waste of atoms has heroically pushed his way through the crowd at the site of a horrific accident to administer some wellness to the seriously injured victim.
“Stand aside everyone, I’m a qualified wellness blogger,” said grade a knob Digby Milligan as he shoved his way past a lecturer in first aid and an off duty brain surgeon to lend his inexpertise to a man crushed by a falling grand piano in a Sydney street. “Space… I need space to administer life saving mind and body nourishment.”
“I was thinking maybe the poor guy needed someone to apply some pressure on his artery to stem the blood loss and a splint on his crushed legs,” said bystander and registered nurse Denise Bluthal. “But apparently his most urgent need was a cleansing detox and a better life balance between happiness and spirituality.”
Milligan, who claims to have cured himself from having a grand piano fall on him from a crane through a process of mindfulness and improved gut health, sent members of the crowd to a nearby shop to purchase a litre of acai berry juice and to enrol the victim in a reconnect program.
“Unfortunately one individual is deceased as a result of severe body trauma caused by a grand piano landing on him,” said paramedic Jim Dale. “The ambulance was delayed reaching the scene because someone had ordered a truck full of affirmation cards which blocked the road.”