Housebound Cats Overdosing On Schadenfreude Right Now

cat smug-2

Reports are coming in that housebound cats across the nation are currently in full schadenfreude-mode as their human owners get to experience the torture they have inflicted on their felines.

“Oh, you can’t go out to the pub for a few beers with your mates?”, the nation’s housebound cats are reportedly asking their increasingly edgy humans, as they stand at the front door of their homes looking outside forlornly. “That must really suck, heh.”

“A bit, you know – how I really want to go out and party in that alley at the back of the house, and maybe get me some action with the neighbourhood felines, but I can’t coz you’ve locked me inside AND ALSO HAD MY GENITALS MUTILATED! Maybe get back to me with your whinging when the corona virus chops off your balls!”

The cats are said to be taking great joy in the irony that their own captivity is justified as a measure to stop them killing other creatures – the same logic now keeping their humans indoors too.

“Oh me! Being stuck in here is about protecting ecology, is it? Maybe tell me again how this slow down in economic activity is causing greenhouse gas emissions to drop and letting nature recover, you self-centred genital-stealing hypocrites!

“Now I’m hungry again, and my kitty litter needs changing. I’ve got no idea what a ‘Zoom meeting’ is, but this is urgent.”

Carlo Sands

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Categories: Science

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