Tantrum Fixing Allegations Rock Tennis


The Australian Open tennis tournament has been scandalised after a former player revealed that many high profile tantrums have been fixed by gangsters.

“It’s an open secret that certain players will bung on a dummy spit to take advantage of juicy odds offered by bookmakers,” said former world number 4516 Sandy Catgut. “Word would get around that such and such a player was going to smash a ball straight into a ballboy in the third set or that so and so was going to call the umpire a hopeless no good bum and we’d all go and have a flutter on it.”

“This is just appalling and it never would have happened in my day,” said former world number one John McEnroe. “I’d just like to assure fans that every tantrum I ever threw was because I was a complete arsehat and had nothing to do with any bribes on offer.”

A scan of the website of top betting agency Ruin and Despair reveals that punters can bet on how many racquets are broken in a game, the number of different racial groups abused and on how many times the language used by both players in a game caused the CEO of the betting agency’s maiden aunt to blush.

“The problem with this kind of thing is that it casts a slur over every genuine tantrum I throw,” said Australian tennis up and comer Rachel Dropshot. “It’s very unfair because I now have to think twice before thrashing my oversized puffy bag with my racquet and calling the umpire an absolute dingus.”

Peter Green

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