‘I’m not riding a bloody horse again.’
Prince Philip has expressed profound disappointment at his recent demotion to a knight, advising that he intends to fight the appointment. “I’m taking the matter to Fair Work Australia,” he said. “I’m a prince goddammit, not a knight. Am I seriously supposed to ride a horse again?”
The Prince has been reeling from the news at Windsor Castle surrounded by his closest bottles of gin. “I’ve worked hard all my life attending party after party after party dealing with an eye-crossingly dull wife, stupid children, horny staff and patting poor people’s babies and what is the thanks I get for it?” he asked whilst putting up a sad-face on his Facebook page. “A mad colonialist telling me I have to be his chainmail bitch.”
Australian prime minister and leading satirist Tony Abbott announced yesterday that the Prince be appointed his knight. “He’s a Catholic for god’s sake,” the Prince said fumbling around his bar. “I can’t serve a Catholic. Are you mad? Didn’t we get rid of them in the war?”
It is not known when the Prince is to report to duty and what his shifts will entail. “Will I have email?” he asked. “And I want to be to able to tweet while I’m at work.”
There is no word on what the Prince’s exact title will be. “Liz suggested Sir Drinksalot and I told her to go to hell.”
The Royal Couple were seen yesterday shopping for tights and helmets at Harrods. The Prince remained despondent, insisting: “Nothing fits and they seem to be out of swords. We might have to go Tesco.”
The Queen has promised to come and visit the Prince while on duty. “I’ll bring his lunch if I can,” she said, while sorting through the red-spot specials of scarves at Harrods. “He loves my sandwiches.”
At first, it was thought the Prince would be completing his duties in Sydney but it appears now he will be stationed in Canberra. “I mean honestly, how many morons with no teeth can I take? Will there be anyone decent on Tinder?”
Mr Abbott was contacted for comment, but was unable to provide any. He’s expected to announce Prince Andrew’s appointment to the Royal Children’s Commission later in the week.
John Cahill
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