Putin Gets Eight Hours Sleep

Russian President Vladimir Putin is “well rested” following a good night’s sleep, RT.com has reported. “With eight hours sleep behind him, Putin is expected to rule Russia with the unmatched passion and energy Russian citizens are known to expect from their wonderful leader,” the independent mouthpiece for the Kremlin advised readers.

RT.com confirmed that Mr Putin slept on a “double king sized bed” needing only a single duvet, despite Russia’s cold weather, as the light of Russia burned fervently within himself. Contrary to false reports published by Russian dissidents, who are known to spread lies about Mr Putin to foster dissent, Aleksander, Putin’s prized teddy bear, was with Putin at the time.

Aleksander was sitting safely on the dresser, keeping a watchful eye over the President as he dreamed peacefully about protecting the Motherland whilst riding a unicorn, shirtless. The nightlight, it has been confirmed, was set to just the dimmest setting, as KGB agents had already checked under the bed for monsters.

Australian media had speculated that Mr Putin had left the G20 early yesterday, following a frosty reception over Russia’s involvement in Ukraine. Most notably, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper verbally “shirtfronted” (a Canadian term, referencing a sort of brutal shoulder charge used in AFL) Mr Putin by telling him that he needed to “get out of the Ukraine”, just as he promised voters he would back in October. However the kind of in-depth, investigative journalism that RT.com is known for, reaffirms Mr Putin’s statements that he was leaving early to “catch up on sleep” and was not at all leaving to try and save face on the international stage.

Matthew Farthing


Categories: News, Politics, World

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