Responding to heavy criticism of a recent stunt in Peru, in which Greenpeace were responsible for irreparably damaging the hummingbird Nazca line, a spokesman who bravely remained nameless offered an apology.
“We had no idea we were coming across as careless and crass”, he said of the action, which caused immediate harm to the only Nazca figure which was completely untouched and perfectly conserved. “The surprise to us was that this resulted in some kind of moral offence”, he went on, describing the reaction to defacing an internationally renowned UNESCO World Heritage listed site of sacred importance to an entire nation as “baffling”.
Greenpeace’s message on the banner, only slightly smaller than their logo, was tastefully laid down next to the unique, 2000-year-old etched image and informed delegates at the UN climate talks in Lima that they should consider renewable energy, as this was obviously a reasonable suggestion to put to a group of wealthy elite largely bought off in varying degrees by captains of the fossil fuel industry.
“We figured the best way to get their attention was to desecrate a site of major cultural significance – you know, to speak the sort of language that people used to dealing with coal, oil, and gas executives would understand.”
“We don’t need to defer to locals to know that what we’re doing is both sensitive and righteous”, he said, explaining what Greenpeace meant in their recent reassurance that “40 years of peaceful activism clearly shows that we have always been most respectful with people around the world and their diverse cultural legacies, without ever actually needing to encounter a non-corporate-backed poor person.”
“There are too many rules in our home countries to pull this sort of shit”, he added, referring to the first-world nationalities of those who had taken part in laying the banner in a cordoned-off area in the middle of the night marked ‘strictly prohibited’.
“I mean, where else are we supposed to go to feel self-righteous? Could you imagine if we did this to Stonehenge?”