Donald Trump Names Penrith As Australia’s Capital City

Donald Trump has reversed decades of US foreign policy by recognising Penrith as the capital of Australia, despite warnings from around the world that the gesture will further inflame relations between bogans and the rest of Australia.

“We will begin the process of moving our embassy and its staff away from Canberra straight away, because frankly I just don’t get roundabouts,” said the President from the seventh hole of the nearby Twin Creeks Golf and Country Club. “We’ll still do an annual porn and fireworks run down to Fishwyck but otherwise I doubt any of us will miss the place, and I’m really looking forward to spending as much time as possible at the Panthers Cable Water Ski facility.”

The move is sure to spark hostility from residents of Greater Western Sydney, who will tell anyone who bothers to listen that if they were an independent nation their economy would be larger than New Zealand’s, and who have hopes of establishing their own capital city on the west bank of the Nepean River.

“Mr Trump thinks that if Penrith is the capital city there will no longer be any need to provide air conditioned trains to the centre of Sydney,” said Pope Francis in a statement condemning the action. “This move will only further inflame the delicate peace in the region, especially if he tries to hold Floriade on grounds that are sacred to people who worship the bindi.”

Peter Green

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