The news that the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant with her third child has sent Princess Anne into a fit of rage and forced her to add another name to her list of people she needs to have murdered before she can become Queen.
“I should have smashed Charlie in the scone with one of his polo mallets back when we were teenagers,” said a clearly frustrated Princess Royal upon hearing the news from Kensington Palace. “If Kate keeps churning them out like the production line at Mr Kipling’s pies I’ll never get to position number one at old Bucko palace. Rats bollocks.”
“The rest of the family are in on to Anne’s plans which is why they consistently knock back her requests for them to gather for a group photo on the edge of a crumbly cliff,” said royal watcher Cedric Hackforth-Jones. “They never travel together on the same plane after the time they caught Anne tinkering with the wheel nuts on the royal jet.”
Whilst her brothers rarely drop around to visit their parents these days, Anne is known to spend hours at a time deep in conversation with Prince Phillip, learning the ways of how to terminate pesky relatives at the foot of the wily Duke of Edinburgh.
“Phillip has put Anne in touch with his team of “mechanics” responsible for the Princess Diana job in Paris,” said London gossip columnist Petulia Mitchell-Taverner. “If I was Princess Beatrice I’d soak my birthday present from Anne in the bath before opening it.”