Smart Person Contemplates The Next Three Days


A smart person is unsure whether she can meet her friends’ demands and go three days without sharing an article from The Guardian or tweeting how awful Rupert Murdoch is.

Contemplating her half-fused soy macchiato whilst staring at the mash that is her glutton free yeast free yolk free white free deconstructed egg sandwich, she says, ‘I guess I could share something from the Sydney Morning Herald but that’s probably from The Guardian 4 years ago anyway.’

‘We would be happy with that,’ says the smart person’s friend, reportedly a dumb person. ‘Look we love her,’ she says of her smart friend. ‘I’ve learnt a great deal from her. All of us have. We’re glad she’s been here to remind us that we can’t trust anyone and the world is about to end. We get that. But enough of the graphs and the truth, we want balls in our face.’

The smart person has found her friends’ reaction to her posts confronting but she admits she is also relieved that she remains the only smart person in her group. ‘Look if I can save one dumb person, I will be happy. But if the rest can stay dumb, I will be even happier. It’s important that I maintain a healthy self esteem.’

The smart person says she did contemplate sharing articles from The New Yorker and The Atlantic in place of The Guardian posts, but saw that these publications were too smart to realize Australia existed other than in Rupert Murdoch’s upper west side apartment. ‘We know that Rupert Murdoch controls all the dumb people in Australia,’ she says post non-sandwich. ‘But a post not including mention of the evil of Tony Abbott, is quite frankly, evil.’

As a result, the smart person has decided not to post anything at all and simply sit and judge. ‘Of course being smart, I have a natural flare for detail. 44 of my friends have liked something from Sydney Confidential and another 100 have liked something from The Courier Mail. I’m so horrified that my friends read these things but glad that I am here to eventually remind them that they shouldn’t.’

The smart person’s friends, all reportedly dumb, are enjoying the space their smart friend is giving them for the next three days. ‘I must say it’s been a relief today not to be told to save the Great Barrier Reef ,’ said one of the girls , ‘Or be asked to sign a petition,’ said another,’ or give money to a GetUp commercial.’

Meanwhile the smart person has kept to a tight schedule of judging but hasn’t been able to resist one earnest posting, an article from Junkee on Taylor Swift’s potential entry into Triple J’s Hottest 100, ‘There are some evils even worse than Tony Abbott. She must be stopped.’ In the background the echo of ‘Shake it off’ can be heard wafting up from her dumb friends’ quarters. The smart person hasn’t been seen since.

John Cahill


Categories: Media, News, Social Media

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