Queenslanders have been left pondering their state affairs today after discovering that pretty much anyone can be Premier.
The former corruption commissioner and agony aunt, Tony Fitzgerald QC, DC, XP, warned voters, ‘Anyone can be Premier, even people.’
In an interview with Antiques Roadshow, Mr. Fitzgerald presented old brown paper bags from yesteryear and expressed fear that under the present government, more of these bags were returning to the market and ruining his resale value. ‘There are now brown paper bags everywhere. They were worth 100 dollars each 2 years ago, now they are 5 dollars. It’s ruining my super.’
Mr. Fitzgerald advised that he did not wish to take sides in the political debate but if people chose to vote for the LNP, he would be forced to move to Mars. “But I’m not taking sides, I’m just making plans.’
Asked if he would consider running for parliament, the commissioner said,’ I can’t. I’m not a person. I’m a lawyer.’
Premier Campbell Coalmine has threatened to knight the celebrity commissioner in retaliation to his ‘mean’ remarks, saying that Mr. Fitzgerald is a communist and should move to China. ‘I’ll knight the poof and send him to Peking. See how the one party system works out for him there.’
When reminded of the present one party system in Queensland, Mr. Coal-Mine said, “Why have all these parties?? When we can just piss it up and have one big party?’ The Premier then declared, ‘We’re all about building Queensland, in fact I’ve got to go and build it right now.’ He left in bike pants.
Opposition Leader, Anastasia Whatsherface entertained radio listeners in a quiz yesterday morning with her knowledge of Australia’s Taxation System, ‘So GST stands for…umm…I think it is…a trick question isn’t it??? How about Great Silly Times? We all love those!’ She missed out on the meat tray but got to take home the stuffed chook.
Leader of the Chaos United Party, Clive Chaos was seen yesterday afternoon buying Al Gore and the entire environment. ‘I’m gonna whack some dinosaurs on it and turn it into a golf course. Al can man the door. No Chinese.’
And then in the leafy hippy suburb of West End last night, Greens leaders, Senator Larissa Dugong and Adam Bandicoot launched their primary policy to engage with rural voters, Daylight Savings. Always a hit with farmers and anyone west of a Coffee Club up their arse, that extra hour of daylight in the afternoon and fuck all in the morning will appeal to the bush like a vegan pavlova. Senator Dugong said, ‘The extra hour in the afternoon will save on heating costs.’ For those of you who live in a fridge.
Queensland, beautiful one day, fucking nuts the next.
John Cahill
Twitter: @johnbcahill
Categories: News, Opinion, Politics
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