US space agency NASA has entered into an agreement with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to install a rocket onstage at next year’s Academy Awards so that winners who use their 45 seconds of attention to do anything other than give due thanks to those who deserve it will be fired directly into the sun.
“We’ve heard enough bullshit speeches where actors bang on about their latest political cause or ask us all to pause to remember the victims of whatever disease it is they pretended to have,” said Academy Vice President Frank Farrell. “If anyone does anything other than thank their mum and dad or the director of the movie we’ll immediately ignite the rocket and send them on a one way trip directly into the sun.
“And don’t get me started about anyone who thanks God for their Oscar. They’ll get to thank him in person if they try any of that malarkey.”
Slated for a direct trip to the glowing nuclear fusion powered surface of our nearest star are snotty nosed winners of Best Live Action Short film who behave as if they’ll ever be heard of again, the fourth guy in line for Best Sound Editing who always jumps in and says “Daddy’s been on TV you can got to bed now Georgina”, and Sean Penn.