A report released by The Parliamentary Joint Committee on Intelligence and Security has revealed Opposition Leader Bill Shorten will hand over his email password to Prime Minister Tony Abbott when parliament resumes in March.
While Mr Shorten had previously warned the Prime Minister about politicising the data retention debate, the Labor Leader has backtracked after Mr Abbott revealed that opposing mandatory data legislation is the same as supporting ISIS.
To prove to the Australian people that he opposes death cults as much, if not more, than Tony Abbott, and that any dalliance with terrorism in the past was a youthful indiscretion, the former union leader will be handing the government the password to his work email account, firstname.lastname@example.org.
While the Prime Minister assured the Minister for Maribyrnong that he was not suspected of any terrorist activities, any one who was innocent ‘would have nothing to fear’ from having their password known by the Prime Minister and that by refusing to reveal his password, he would ‘look suspicious in the eyse of the Australian public’.
He also pledged that the number of opened spam emails that involved Viagra, or other erectile dysfunction drugs, would not be revealed to anyone, except for Attorney-General George Brandis and ASIO Chief David Irvine, who both promise ‘not to laugh’.
While the two major parties seem to disagree on everything, from education reform to medicare co-payments to the best Go-Betweens A-Side, they have managed to find common ground on forcing telecommunication companies to retain the citizenry’s metadata.
The proposed data retention laws have received criticism from civil liberties groups, media organisations, the Australian technological community, as well as the Australian Committee of Hyperbolic Conspiracy Nuts (ACHCN).
During a press conference, Mr Shorten proclaimed;
“There’s no greater threat to the people of Australia than terrorists using the internet and mobile phone services. By caving so easily, I think it proves to the Australian people that I am the kind of leader who’s willing to reach across the aisle for the opportunity to back down.”
This new bi-partisan support for the government’s security laws follows several failed weeks of Senator Brandis asking Mr Shorten for the name of his first pet and his mother’s maiden name.
Matthew Farthing is the political reporter for The (un)Australian. Any racist comments he’s made on twitter were as a result of an account hack, he swears.
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