Tony Abbott is working as a secret representative of Australia’s powerful Onion Lobby, The (un)Australian can exclusively reveal as part of a year-long investigation.
The revelation came after Abbott caused world-wide headlines by chomping directly into a raw onion during a recent visit to Tasmania, repeating the feat just days later to generate even more headlines for the often-under-reported vegetable.
Our investigations have uncovered evidence that Abbott’s role as a paid agent of Big Onion goes back to his earliest days as a student politician on Sydney University, when onion industry reps spotted his potential as a future political heavyweight able to promote the industry’s interests amid a political culture marked by a “general atmosphere of indifference” towards the popular food item.
An anonymous whistle-blower, working high up in the ranks of Onion Australia, spoke to us about the plot: “It is no secret onions, despite being popular with consumers, struggle to wield the same sort of national influence as, say, iron ore, coal or Shane Warne’s tinder profile.
“So the plan was for Abbott, on becoming prime minister, to engage in a constantly growing series of gaffes and highly-controversial incidents, each one more ridiculous than the last.
“Until finally, with the world’s eyes watching him intently for the next bizarre moment of incomprehensible madness, he’d chomp down on a raw onion, sending shock waves through the global media, prompting a growing number of celebrity ‘reenactments’ and driving onion shares through the roof.
“It’s all been working towards this moment. Expect Onion Australia’s new mass marketing campaign to drop any day now with the tagline: ‘Onions. You Bet You Are.'”
A source inside the Liberal cabinet, who wished only to be known as “the soon-to-be prime minister”, admitted to The (un)Australian: “Many of us have long had our suspicions, we just didn’t know who he was working for till the ‘onion incident’.
“Now it all makes sense. The only question is who’s Pyne working for? My money’s on the Mixed Bag of Nuts people.”