Australia Hoping Donald Trump Becomes President To Distract World From Tony Abbott


Australians from across the country are expressing their support for businessman, reality TV star and famed hair groomer Donald Trump’s campaign for the 2016 US presidency, in the fervent hope that “finally there’ll be a world leader more batshit crazy than Tony Abbott”.

Trump’s announcement last week that he would campaign for pre-selection as the Republican candidate for next year’s presidential race has spread hope in a nation desperate to have some other country’s idiotic, gaffe-prone racist leader steal headlines for a change.

The (un)Australian visited Newtown on a Friday night to speak with a broad cross section of Australians, as locals have been insisting on social media lately that it feels like “now every single person in Australia” turns up on King Street on Friday evenings.

The King Street consensus was that  Trump was definitely the best bet to distract the world our own planet-destroying moron of a leader.

While Republican candidates were clearly backward misogynist nutters, it was widely felt only Trump could outdo Tony Abbott on grounds that while Abbott might threaten to “shirt front” Russia’s leader, Trump was far more likely to just nuke the place.

Which, as one person put it, “would be so embarrassing for America, they’d all be like ‘ugh, we elected this guy? Awkward’.”

One Trump supporter told The (un)Australian that having The Apprentice star int he White House be “so 2005, you know back when we had that dorky poor-hating bigot as prime minister, but the world was too busy laughing at George Bush to even notice”.

One Australian, who had just returned from a three-month backpacking holiday across Europe, said it was vitally important America elect someone more cringe-worthy than Abbott, “so no Australian ever needs to pretend to be a New Zealander ever again. Seriously, spending months having to mispronounce the number six and say ‘choice, bro’ all the time, it’s just not dignified.”

Carlo Sands

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Categories: World

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