In off-the-record comments, a source from ASIO admitted to The (Un)Australian that the security agency’s greatest fears over national security were “the ever-present threat of a fatal flag pole accident involving our prime minister”.
Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been constantly warning against the prospect of a terrorist attack for days in a manner that had caused speculation he had suffered a stroke or that Peta Credlin had figured out how to replace his voice box with a pre-recorded message. However, the source indicated such an attack was the least of ASIO’s worries.
“The one thing we can say for sure is that if any terrorist wants a crack at the prime minister, they’ve no hope,” the source said. “We’ve done the tests and the PM is completely safe from assassins surrounded with all those flags. No bullet could penetrate that much cloth.
“True, a nuclear warhead could probably could get through, but if ISIS got their hands on that kind of ordinance, I suspect they’ll have far bigger targets than Tony Abbott. Presumably the US Supreme Court, like all the other religious fundamentalists this week.
“The far bigger danger is the all-too-real prospect of the PM tripping on all that cloth and impaling himself on a pole, or becoming entangled and suffocating. Our analysts fear it’s may only be a matter of time.”
The source admitted another issue bothering ASIO was the seeming ease with which the Chinese state appeared to gather intelligence on the Australian government.
“It is almost as if they have some sort of bug close to top-ranking government officials,” the source said. “But when one of our guys suggested in a meeting that maybe it was hidden in one of Abbott’s Chinese-made Australian flags, the room just fell silent.
“The chief stared at him in silence for a full minute before he finally said, in an icy voice, ‘Are you calling into question the loyalty of an actual Australian flag? That the diggers died for?’
“Last I heard, the guy’d been arrested for ‘questioning Team Australia’ and was with his family on Christmas Island awaiting deportation. We’ve still not found the source of that Chinese leak.”