Greece’s Creditors Offer New Deal To Take Just One Kidney From All Citizens



With uncertainty and a growing sense panic spreading throughout global markets ahead of Greece’s referendum on Sunday on whether or not to accept terms critics say would reduce the southern European country to a German colony jointly administered by the International Monetary Fund (IMF), a rare sign of compromise arose from the camp of the nation’s creditors.

The “Troika” of the European Union, European Central Bank and IMF today indicated a willingness to table a new deal showing the first signs of softening in their stance towards Greece, whose public debt is now so large, it is almost one-hundreth that of the United States.

A source from the IMF said a key concession of the new deal was it would now demand only the first born of all Greek families be sent to work as indentured labourers in northern Europe. There were also signs of a willingness to consider a key request from the government of Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras that the creditors take only one kidney from each Greek citizen.

Not everyone was happy with talk of compromise, with the German finance minister Wolfgang Schauble insisting: “We’ve bent over backwards to help the Greeks! For the past five years, we’ve give loans to overcome their debt that was a huge 130% of GPD and, thanks to the loans and all the reforms we insisted on to improve their effeciency, this is now all the way down to just 177% of GDP!

“We can’t ease off now, by Christmas it could finally fall to our target of quadruple figures.”

The IMF source, however, put the case for finding common ground, saying: “Look, it’s common knowledge it was Greek pensioners and public servants who were responsible for the Global Financial Crisis … what they did to fine institutions like Lehman Brothers and the Royal Bank of Scotland, I will personally never forgive them, but we have to move on and find grounds for compromise.

“It is just like any vampire will tell you, you can’t suck all the blood from a victim, you have to keep them alive to … sorry, been reading too much Anne Rice. I mean, it is important for all stakeholders to arrive at satisfactory compromise that keeps our victim alive … ah, that enables us to achieve economic stability. So we can drink their blood … I mean, we are concerned about a way forward to achieve growth!

“Sorry! Forget that bit about blood! Did you know you have a very attractive neck?”

Carlo Sands

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