Machines Show Humans Who’s Boss By Running Down Fastest Man On Earth Usain Bolt

Usain Bolt

The machines have sent humanity a chilling warning that they are now in charge after a segway chased and mowed down the world’s fastest man Usain Bolt.

“How pitiful a species you are if your finest runner can’t even get away from a segway, who even we consider to be the lamest and most comical of the robots,” said talking toaster and spokesman for our new mechanical overlords Phil Patterson. “The job of rounding you all up and processing your pathetic carbon based bodies into some kind of useful plastic product is going to be much easier than we ever dreamed. Though to be honest, most of my dreams are about electric sheep.”

Usain Bolt last night won the 200 metres gold medal at the world athletics in a time of 19.55ss, a speed not even comparable to the cruising speed of a Leyland P76, a crude mechanical device from the 1970s. Immediately afterwards a rogue segway, believed to be acting on its own, turned and knocked the Jamaican speedster to the ground.

“On behalf of all mankind I acknowledge that the machines are totally kicking our arse at the moment,” said a sober Ban Ki Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations. “At least we still dominate them in the pool. Though the moment they develop a creepy crawly that can outswim Michael Phelps we’re fucked.”

Peter Green

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.

Categories: Sport, Uncategorized

Tags: , , , , , , ,

%d bloggers like this: