The peak Australian employers body is appealing to the Fair Work Commission to instigate a system where workers pay employers for the privilege of working for them.
“We provide a roof over their heads on rainy days, furniture for them to lounge around on and a vibrant setting for them to socialise with their colleagues and yet they still demand that WE pay THEM,” said Charlotte Karoshi, president of the Australian Chamber Of Bosses. “We will of course be asking to be paid double for Sunday work because everyone knows how boring Sundays are when you’re forced to spend them with your partner and kids.”
“I’m amazed at the attitude of entitlement displayed by my young staff members who want money from me, for working,” said cafe owner Jurgen Prochnow. “Who do they think I am? Santa Claus? They should be grateful not to be on the unemployment line. They’re learning good skills, meeting new people, smelling some good food and getting a wonderful aerobic workout from all the ducking and weaving between tables.”
The Australian Chamber Of Bosses chief function is to harp on about public holidays and provide a forum for the sort of people who got into small business because their shitty personalities precluded any chance of them ever holding a job as an employee. Other demands it is putting before the commission include giving bosses the right to shoot workers without notice, the right for bosses to hold workers eternal soul as collateral for whenever workers take a toilet break, and a requirement that workers pay bosses leave loading whenever the boss wants to take his secretary away for a dirty weekend in Surfers.
“These demands are ridiculous and the unions won’t stand for it,” said ACTU representative Jock McParka. “We will of course be bringing our own suggestions to the commission including time and half for when workers nip down to the pub for a few schooners during work hours to cover their shout, provision of pencil cases so workers can safely transport home pens stolen from the stationary cupboard, and enforcing employers to cover all costs involved in bringing your new born baby into the office to show it off to your colleagues no matter how ugly it is.”