Government Introduces Kebab Shop Lockout Laws


Tubby late night diners have been angered by the introduction of new laws making it illegal to serve kebabs after 10pm in designated parts of Sydney.

“In an effort to curb the city’s appalling binge obesity problem, kebabs will now only be served to anyone who is already in line before the 10 o’clock curfew,” said Bob Tahini, NSW Minister For Grilling, Snacking and Burping.

“For far too long certain parts of the city have been no-go areas for anyone wanting to avoid barbecue sauce stains, secondary acne and garlic breath.”

The new laws have been welcomed by ER doctors at inner city hospitals.

“The casualty department was like a war zone late on a Friday and Saturday night,” said St Vincent’s Hospital surgeon Angus Suture. “We’ve seen a 90% fall in heart attacks, food poisoning and people choking on gristly bits of lamb since the new laws came in.”

Critics of the new laws say they have simply moved kebab shop customers away from traditional gorging venues to suburbs outside the lockout zone.

“The streets around here are a filthy mess of discarded tomato slices, spilled cheese and smears of hummus,” said Newtown resident Nerolie Opshop. “It’s totally ineffective in stopping obesity, because packs of guys just pre-load on falafel before they go out.

“Everyone knows that no matter how much food you’ve eaten earlier in the night, as soon as you roll out of a venue and spot the lights of a kebab shop, you get an overpowering urge to stuff your face again.”

Peter Green
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