The Australian government has announced that it will be building several new detention centres to house the influx of refugees expected to flee from Australia’s current detention centres.
“Wherever people are denied basic human rights and subject to brutal violence from the authorities you’re going to get refugees,” said minister for immigration Peter Dutton. “Currently our own detention centres fit that bill rather well, so we’re going to have to construct a few more centres until we find a way to make these people stay where they are.”
“I’m seriously thinking of paying some people smugglers to take me back to Iran where at least I’ll be put to death humanely,” said asylum seeker Farhad Punchball. “I thought that Australia was a civilised country but surely there’s something in the Geneva Convention that forbids refugees being housed together with New Zealanders?”
Mr Dutton said that anyone fleeing from an Australian detention centre by boat would be turned around and towed back.
“Our biggest problem at the moment is locating an island that doesn’t already have an existing detention centre on it,” said Mr Dutton as he hung up a framed copy of North Korea’s criticism of Australia’s human rights record on the wall of his office. “We may have to ask China to build us a couple of islands when they’ve finished building their own in the South China Sea.”
Mr Dutton put out a special word of thanks to everyone who has complained about conditions in detention centres over the past few years.
“Since our policy is based on deterrence, every time some bleeding heart has a whinge about how badly treated refugees are it saves us heaps of money on having to do it ourselves,” said a beaming immigration minister.
“If these goody goodies were fair dinkum about changing our policy they’d be reporting that our detention centres are full of happy vacationers sipping cocktails and playing beach volleyball.”