South Australian senator Cory Bernardi is feeling hurt and depressed after parliament bully Bill Shorten picked on him and said mean things about his homophobia.
“I can’t help being a homophobe and often feel like jigging parliament because of all the taunts I receive from the other politicians,” said a teary Bernardi to a sympathetic counsellor from the Safe Parliament Coalition. “Every day I feel the pressure to conform to a Marxist agenda of cultural relativism when the core of my being tells me to be a flaming lunk-headed bigot.”
“We’re here to provide help for individuals like Cory who find Canberra a hostile place because other members misunderstand their homophobia and regard it as scary and threatening,” said Safe Parliament Coalition staffer Juliette Parker. “We want to encourage inclusive policies and practices that will allow people like Cory to unleash a bile filled rant without fear of ridicule.”
“I’m concerned that if you don’t try to convert Cory away from homophobia he’ll infect my caucus members with it and they’ll start thinking it’s perfectly natural to act like a narrow minded pork chop too,” said Bill Shorten as he hung out in his usual corner of the parliament house playground with other Labor Party toughs. “Saying that God made him a homophobe and he can’t do anything about it is bollocks. If he really tried hard he could turn himself into a normal pusher of gender fluid advocacy to three year olds like the rest of us.”