Defence White Paper Names Giant Squid As Australia’s Greatest Security Threat


Australia will be spending upwards of $150 billion on twelve new submarines after yesterday’s defence white paper asserted that giant squid remain the nation’s greatest enemy.

“No-one need fear being taken from the deck of a ship by a giant sucker covered tentacle and dragged down into the murky depths,” said Minister for Defence Marise Payne as she unveiled the plans for the upgraded submarine fleet. “Anyone who claims China or Daesh to be our deadliest foe has never stared into the cold unblinking eye of the giant of the deep.”

The plans for a new submarine fleet have been met by mockery from the opposition.

“Any fool can see that our greatest security concerns should be focus upon what’s happening in the South China Sea,” said recently activated Labor leader Bill Shorten. “I’m talking of course of the infernal white whale that has dashed the Japanese whaling fleet to matchsticks and sent hundreds of seamen into the cruel confines of Davy Jones Locker.”

“Give me fifty stout-hearted seafarers and a good and honest sub and I’ll bring you back your squid,” said Captain Norton Nemo from the Australian navy. “The Collins Class sub was a sturdy vessel but she was proven to be no match for a monstrous demon with arms longer than an articulated bus.”

The Greens also were highly critical of the increase in defence spending, but of course they would be.

Peter Green

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Categories: Politics

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