Friends of amateur blogger Jason Blather are in shock after witnessing a thinkpiece explaining the rise of Donald Trump violently eat its way out of his chest.
“Jason was quietly enjoying a soy latte when he suddenly went into convulsions,” said work colleague Vesna Bailey. “The front of his shirt bulged outwards and then this thinkpiece exploded out from inside him and scuttled away into his laptop, leaving a massive hole and covering the rest of us in blood.”
Thinkpieces have taken over many of the more inaccessible parts of the internet, waiting to reach out and grab the interest of unwary web surfers.
“If you think you may have a thinkpiece growing inside you just remain calm and try not to do anything that will encourage it,” said expert hunter of inexpert opinion Clyde Doolan. “Just ask yourself these questions. Does anyone care what I think? Do I know jackshit about the topic? Am I really going to get enough clicks that some advertiser will appear out of thin air and start paying me to sprout off about stuff?”
“There’s no way of killing Jason’s thinkpiece,” said social media commentator Helen Prolix in a thinkpiece about thinkpieces. “It’ll get shared endlessly by people whose ideas it reinforces. Its structural perfection matched only by its irrelevance.”