Following a poor summer of test cricket and declining ratings for renovation based reality shows Channel Nine has announced that its kidnapping department is the only sector of the company that has turned a profit in 2106.
“The only thing keeping the station afloat at the moment is the cash flow we receive from ransom money left in brown paper bags in phone booths,” said Nine Network executive Rory Carpetstroller. “Fortunately a lot of our current stars already have the skills needed to succeed at kidnapping. For instance Scotty Cam is a dab hand at cutting off lengths of insulating tape for putting over the mouths of kidnappees as we bundle them into the backs of cars.”
The networks schedule of new shows for the second half of the year include “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire In Small Unmarked Notes”, “You’re Back In A Small Soundproof Room Where You Get Fed Once A Day” and “Hey Hey You Have Until Saturday Night To Pay The Ransom”.
“Our recent escapade in Lebanon made us realise that while profits are falling in free to air television there’s a motza to be made in grabbing people off the street and asking their relatives to fork out big bucks to get them back,” said station accountant Dotty Neuf. “It is no coincidence that in the next season of The Block we’ll be asking our contestants to construct us an apartment building full of rooms with secret trapdoors. The clock on Sixty Minutes also serves as a reminder to relatives that a different body part is going to get cut off every hour on the hour if our demands aren’t met.”