Western Sydney motor racing fans are in uproar after Mike Baird and Clover Moore announced plans to relocate the Liverpool Speedway to the inner city suburb of Newtown.
“I refuse to travel all the way to the middle of somewhere to watch a night of Grand National sedan racing,” said Leppington bogan Jeff Spoiler. “There’s no speedway fans based in Newtown. The sport will be taken over by hipsters who’ll decorate the funny cars ironically and have no respect at all for the fearsome reputation of “mean mother” Big Ed Wilbur.”
“That’s typical of a western suburbs snob who thinks the inner city is full of nothing but shops dedicated to selling shaving cream and vegan cafes,” said Newtown mayor Crispin Kale. “We’ve already found a space for the speedway between a second hand clothing shop and an Uzbekistani restaurant. To say there are no revheads within a 5km radius of the CBD is a joke. I often gun the engine of my Prius at the lights in a manner loud enough to startle nearby pigeons.”
The first evening of the revived Liverpool-Newtown speedway will feature sidecars, truck racing and a demolition derby. To avoid hurting anyone’s feelings drivers in the demolition derby have been urged to apologise after every collision.
“This is nuts, I don’t want to travel all the way to the inner city where my car will probably be flyered with leaflets advertising interpretive dance performances,” said former Liverpool Speedway track announcer Steve Raymond. “I for one certainly won’t BE THERE.”
In Sydney? Come and see our live show That’s (un)Australian! at Sydney Fringe Comedy on Sept 6, 8 and 10. Book tickets here.