“Women Picturing Ross Cameron Naked” Responsible For Declining Birth Rates


A study has linked Australia’s declining birth rate with an increase in women getting an image of Ross Cameron in their head during sex, totally killing the mood.

“We showed women photographs of various objects including Ross Cameron and then asked them to fill in a diary of how many times they felt like sex for the next month,” said researcher Dr Hayley Materson from the Institute of Fertility Studies. “Those shown a picture of Ross Cameron showed a marked disinterest in sex and an increased interest in taking cold showers and preparing cups of tea.”

“Normally I look forward to my six monthly conjugal visits with my husband in jail but now that I’ve got Ross Cameron inside my head all I wanted to do was chat about the new curtains,” said survey respondent Maysie Simmonds. “You could actually hear my fallopian tubes snapping shut as soon as I started picturing Ross hovering near me with an O-face.”

Increased birth rates were detected in women shown photographs of puppies, bananas and Greg Combet. Women shown Ross Cameron scored the only negative birth rate in the survey just below those shown close up photographs of a gangrenous leg, with some even offering to return their babies to the hospital just in case they grew up to look like Ross Cameron.

“I put the declining birth rate down to men no longer getting together to boast about who they imagine might want to sleep with them after a hard day of campaigning for Christian values whilst simultaneously conducting extra marital affairs,” said Mr Cameron in a surprisingly background information filled statement. “But I’m willing to live the rest of my life with a brown paper bag over my head if I think it’ll be for the good of the nation.”

Peter Green

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