Nation’s Newsreaders Bitterly Divided Over Who Will Win Melbourne Cup

Dear Demi

Australia’s newsreaders will head into Tuesday’s Melbourne Cup with wildly diverging predictions about who will win the nation’s most famous horse race.

“I always hold back placing my bet until I’ve heard what the breakfast show hosts and the trusted evening presenters have to say,” said concerned punter Leroy Mugge. “Now I’m confused because the lady reading Channel Seven’s nightly news finished her bulletin with a ‘go Hartnell in the big one’ but the wacky weatherman said to expect a firm track and ‘in that case I’m getting my money on Who Shot The barman’. Surely they can’t both be right?”

“We make sure every person we hire to present the news on our station is thoroughly informed about the thoroughbred racing industry,” said Cecily Soundbite, head of news for Network Ten. “We give them a little training in journalism and camera technique but mostly it’s long gruelling years down at Randwick before dawn learning how to spot a promising stayer and how to interpret whether European form will translate to a successful spring campaign in the southern hemisphere.”

Crew from Channel Nine’s Today show had to separate Karl Stefanovic and Lisa Wilkinson after fisticuffs broke out between the pair during a commercial break over Stefanovic’s support for Almoonquith.

“I spent serious hours studying who was carrying the heaviest weights and who will be hampered by drawing an outside barrier and then that moron Stefanovic lets fly with his opinion based on what colours the jockeys will be wearing,” said an agitated Wilkinson after dropping her co-host to the studio floor with solid left hook. “The bloke may have a gold Logie but he knows stuff all about how Caulfield Cup form carries over to the two mile race.”

Peter Green

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Categories: Media

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