Cardinal Pell has come to the rescue of besieged Breitbart tech editor Milo Yiannopoulos with an offer of a position as a youth worker within the Catholic Church.
“I’m confident that Milo can convert his following of alt-right boys into a following of altar-right boys,” said Australia’s highest ranking priest from his office at the Vatican. “We at the church believe in giving people a second chance. In fact, we’ll give people as many chances as we have parishes we can move them onto if they cause any hoo-ha.”
“I’ve always been a fan of the Catholic priesthood as its “no chicks” policy is totally in line with my own “no chicks” policy in regards to Ghostbusters movies,” shouted a grateful Yiannopoulos to passersby from a street corner in Washington. “I’m flattered that George has thrown me a lifeline to continue my totally inexplicable rise to prominence.”
Cardinal Pell has dispelled doubts that Milo’s links to white supremicist groups will be a hindrance to a career in the church, noting that the church itself has a long history of whitewashing any scandals it has been involved with.
“Just like the delicious chocolaty energy drink that he shares his name with I’m sure Mr Yiannopoulos will make an amazing difference in his new role in our organisation,” said George Pell before dreamily beginning to reminisce about his favorite hot beverage. “There’s nothing I like more than a nice hot Milo just before bedtime.”