The top private school in the wizarding sector has been forced to raise fees and stop awarding free education to selected muggles after having its funding dramatically cut under the governments new needs-based Gonski 2.0 program.
“Those plants with human heads that scream when you pull them out of the ground and books of spells don’t just pay for themselves,” said headmaster Barry Dumbledore in a letter sent home to all parents via owls. “Next semester all kids will have to share a wand and we’ll be replacing the golden snitch with a tennis ball.”
“Surely they can just wizard up some money with a spell or something,” said Education Minister Simon Birmingham. “They’ve already tried to protest by turning Peter Dutton into a toad but no-one noticed.”
Potions master Severus Snape said that it is vital that Hogwarts is fully funded whilst “He Who Cannot Be Named” is making a comeback. This is believed to be a reference to Tony Abbott’s attempts to regain the leadership of the Coalition.