“And why wouldn’t those stupid sheep want to vote for me?” British Prime Minister Theresa May is storming around her house in anger. “I promised to kick out more foreigners than ever, what more do these bloody peasants want?”
It is a week since Mrs May lost her majority in a shock election result and was forced into an agreement with Northern Ireland’s ultra-conservative Democratic Unionist Party, and the Prime Minister’s beleaguered husband Philip confides to The (un)Australian that the ranting shows little signs of slowing down.
“Oh they like Labour’s ‘Manifesto’ but thought ours was empty and cruel?”, she continues. “Who the Hell taught these clowns to read?”
Mr May shrugged his shoulders, and tried to alert his wife to presence of The (un)Australian, here for an arranged interview with the Prime Minister, but Mrs May mouth has just begun to froth. “Sorry, she’s been like this all week,” sighed Mr May.
“What do they want?,” Mrs May shouts suddenly “Should I have worn an ugly knitted sweater like Jeremy bloody Corbyn? Promised to nationalise Harrods so cloth-headed commoners could trample over the designer clothing section in their bloody work boots?
“Oh so I didn’t turn up for their pathetic little ‘debates’, For God’s sake, Corbyn probably would have turned up in corduroy trousers, I mean it is all just so common.”
“And don’t get me starting on the goddamn DUP!”, Mrs May adds as she gets well and truly started. “Just to stay in power I’ve got agree to reinstate programs to burn Catholics or something, I couldn’t bring myself to actually read the detail.
“I mean, I went to Oxford for Christ’s sake. What does one even say to a Presbyterian?”, the daughter of a Church of England clergyman asks. “I’m pretty sure we don’t have any around our part of Berkshire.”
Mr May finally catches his wife’s attention, and signals the presence of the media, though the news failed to immediately calm the Prime Minister. “Oh great, now the bloody press are here to rub it in! Fat lot of good you berks did in that campaign. You can tell Rupert from me that I am deeply displeased, he promised me those dullards they call the voting public were dealt with.”
Finally composing herself, the Prime Minister tells The (un)Australian to take a seat. “I’m sorry, I guess I am still just a little upset. Let’s get started. I just want to emphasis right at the start that I continue my commitment to providing a strong and stable government to deliver the best for all Britons”