The Pope has dealt with sexual assault allegations against George Pell the traditional way by moving the cardinal to a different Vatican hundreds of kilometers away and extracting a promise that he would never be charged with sexual assault again.
“George has promised to sign up for Bill Cosby’s course on how to avoid sexual assault allegations,” said the Pope in between blessing crowds from his balcony. “In the meantime we’re going to allow him to make a fresh start in one of our rural Vaticans with strict instructions that he’s not to be left alone with the sort of people who make sexual assault allegations.”
“I strenuously deny these allegations and would love the chance to strenuously deny them in court, unless my doctors say that sitting on a plane for 24 hours is way too much strenuousness for me,” said Cardinal Pell from the Vatican gym as he body pressed 250 kilos. “I’m looking forward to a humble existence out in the countryside, with simple duties such as sweeping things, under carpets mainly.”
Staff at the Vatican report that the Pope had trouble finding the telephone number of the relevant authorities to whom he was to report the sexual assault allegations, although he has several good removalists companies on speed dial.