The NSW government has promised that an inquiry into the use of water by the cotton industry will be strong and comfortable and not a whitewash.
“We will be hand whitewashing the inquiry first before its first proper whitewash to make sure the terms of inquiry don’t shrink and the colours don’t run,” said Premier Gladys Berejiklian. “Cotton is vital to the state’s economy and we won’t be hanging any of our farmers out to dry, though they may be subject to a gentle machine drying.”
“I’m totally shocked that the cotton growing industry would be involved in anything morally reprehensible like water theft,” said industry spokesperson Polly Manchester. “For example the cotton growing industry in America in the mid 19th century had a very good record when it came to water use.”
South Australia has responded to the lack of water flowing through the river system by threatening to shut off the supply of fine red wine to NSW, Victoria and Queensland.
“We’ll see how much they treasure their cotton industry once we put a stranglehold on the flow of cheeky Maclaren Vale burgundy’s with a hint of raspberry and grapefruit,” said Esther Corkage, South Australian Minister for Wine and Good Eating. “Currently we are keeping The Coorong filled with excess supplies of 1951 Grange Hermitage, with the only environmental side effect being a multitude of pissed pelicans.”