With the revelation of Barnaby Joyce’s impending refatherhood with his former staffer, the National Party leader and recent New Zealander announced that he would campaign nationally for the rights of employer/employee sexual relationships.
“It is beyond time we were granted legal recognition for these relationships, despite those who would say that such a fundamentally skewed power dynamic is unnatural,” he said, before remembering that the character he has played for the last two decades would never say anything like “fundamentally skewed power dynamic”.
“Love is love,” he continued, “whether it be between a husband and wife, a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or a boss and an underling. Just so long as none of them are a bit how’s-your-father.”
While confused by the question, for the record, this reporter’s father is quite well and improving his golf handicap.
When asked for comment, Deputy Nationals leader Bridget McKenzie announced her support for Mr Joyce’s sentiment before remembering with some embarrassment that we had called her at her suburban Melbourne home. She then asked that this reporter contact her at her office; when asked where that was, she replied with “uh… the country,” then hung up.
As a journalist for another news outlet asked how Mr Joyce’s extra-marital union sat with his stance that HPV vaccine Gardasil should not be made available to girls before they become sexually active because it would promote promiscuity, the Deputy Prime Minister looked awkward for a moment, then said “Strewth!” three times, spun around and vanished in a cloud of smoke.