Australia Bans Live Export Of Contiki Tourists

The Australian Minister for Agriculture has banned the live export of Contiki tourists during the northern hemisphere summer after distressing footage emerged of hungover young Australians trying to survive a bumpy bus journey from Nice to Florence.

“There was clearly an undersupply of Berocca and despite anxious cries for help the bus driver refused to pull over for a greasy feed of bacon and eggs,” said a horrified David Littleproud after viewing the footage. “You can see the fear in their big bloodshot eyes when they learn it will be another five hours before they can get their hands on whatever passes for a chocolate Moove in northern Italy.”

“It is cruel and inhuman to play the morning song at such a loud volume when it is obvious that most of them only crawled into bed at 5AM,” said RSPCA spokeperson Hannah Palindrome. “Unfortunately this trade is worth a quarter of a billion dollars a year to unscrupulous European bar and bottle shop owners.”

Operators balked at the cost of providing proper ventilation or even an open window on the bus for tourists to have a spew out of.

“The alternative is for us to get slaughtered before we leave home,” said a Contiki tourist who gave his name as Serge. “In fact I did, then I also got slaughtered in Paris, Lyon, Rome, Brindisi, Corfu, Vienna, Munich and Amsterdam.”

Peter Green

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