Donald Trump has foiled a Chinese Secret Service plan to assassinate him with a squadron of highly trained malaria bearing mosquitoes by craftily swallowing an entire bottle of hydroxy-chloroquine.
“Curses, we spent months training a crack team of anopheles mosquitoes to attack a shop dummy we’d baked in a tandoori oven,” said a distraught Bert Kwouk, head of the Red Army Assassination Squadron. “We’d smuggled them into the USA disguised as a very tiny acrobatics troupe. He’s foiled us yet again.”
The failed mosquito based murder plot follows on from several other attempts on Trump’s life that went awry for the hapless Chinese.
“We’d rigged his laptop to explode when he typed the word “coverage” into it but the damn fool goes and types “covfefe” instead,” recalled a furious Kwouk. “Then there was that time we spread a toxic bacillus on his contact lenses only for the doofus to destroy it by looking straight into the solar eclipse and exposing it to UV radiation.”
It is believed the Chinese disguised one of their female agents as a prostitute with a 240 volt electrical charge wired through her breasts. Unfortunately Trump grabbed her by a different part of her anatomy.
“The guy is harder to kill then Rasputin.”
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