The rise of internet-based “cyber-bullying” is leading to a worrying decline in the standards of good old fashioned “face to face bullying”, according to former bullying great Scott Carter.

In the keynote speech at Bullyfest 2014 entitled “Future Directions in Bullying; Wither the Chinese Burn?”, Carter warned that by 2020 the ancient art of holding a kid upside down in the toilet and flushing his head will be extinct.

“These days anyone with access to a computer and the Facebook address of a nerd can call themselves a bully”, sneered Carter as he refused to let anyone out of the auditorium without making them swallow some of his own spit. “None of these guys know how to grip a pair of underpants to deliver a wedgie or the correct way to go ‘oof oof’ when punching someone in the guts.”

After a meeting with Prime Minister Tony Abbott  behind the watersheds, a jubilant Carter announced that funding for a scholarship to send some big kid off to Scotland to study at the prestigious Glasgow Academy of Bullying had suddenly been found in the government’s budget. Mr Abbott denied that funding had come from his lunch money.

Peter Green

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