Australian Census To Be Replaced By Family Feud


The Prime Minister has announced that the Australian Census will be replaced by episodes of Family Feud.

 ‘I have two words for you,’ said Mr. Abbott rearranging deck chairs. ‘Survey Says!’

The Prime Minister has stated that the 104 year old Census is these days redundant with government agencies able to utilize more accurate information elsewhere. ‘ Why do we spend a fortune on conducting a survey every five years when Family Feud already does it daily?’ asked the Prime Minister.

The census was first conducted in 1911 at a cost of 100 thousand pounds and next year it is expected to cost roughly 400 million dollars. The Prime Minister has stated that this is too much. ‘I can turn a boat back for $1.8 Billion, why would I spend half a billion on a form?’

The Bureau of Statistics manages the Census and has been struggling after the government cut its budget back to $25 last year. There’s relief though amongst staff at the bureau that the Prime Minister has finally appointed a new head after refusing to do so for the last 12 months. Sally Jones, a Newstart recipient, has accepted the position as part of her work-for-the-dole programme. ‘I just finished my Certificate in Computers & the Community at TAFE and I like people,’ said Ms. Jones. ‘And The Simpsons.’

Next year’s Census was to be completely online for the first time until the Bureau discovered that its technology systems are still being operated on Windows 95. The Prime Minister has disputed this as a problem. ‘My windows are from 1955,’ he said. “And not one has ever broken.’

Regardless, the Prime Minister intends to proceed with Family Feud but not the Family Feud everyone expects. Channel Ten and Grant Denya will not be required to assist the process. It will be back to the Prime Minister’s favourite pastime, the past, as he drags Tony Barber out of a nursing home and onto to the stage to host the original 1976 version of Family Feud complete with flares and white people. Australians will get to pick whether they are a ‘bloke’ or a ‘sheila’ . ‘If they are neither,’ said the Prime Minister. ‘They don’t get to be included. SURVEY SAYS.’

John Cahill

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