Australians Relieved: Chinese Slaves Make iPhones Not Just Hepatitis


Australians have expressed relief after it was revealed on ABC’s Four Corners program last night that Chinese slaves not only make hepatitis, but iPhones as well.

‘It’s good news,’ said Cynthia Hawkins of Box Hill, an owner of all things Apple. ‘I must say there’s not much you can share hepatitis on other than a frozen berry or someone’s arse, whereas there are a range of Apple products I can share anything on even that Four Corners’ episode. I shared it on Apple’s Facebook page. They loved it.’

 Ms Hawkins’ family, though, are not all Chinese slave converts. ‘My husband prefers Korean slaves. He is Samsung all they way. I can’t stand the plastic feel of Samsung and I’m not fond of the Arab slaves who drill the oil for the plastic. I much prefer the innocence of the Indonesian child slaves Apple use to mine their tin. They all seem so happy. Kids love dust.’

 Some Australians are quite discerning when it comes to which Third World slaves they choose to make which products. ‘Look, certainly, for all my technology needs, the slaves in China are the best,’ said corporate executive, Karen Millar. ‘But not for my clothing needs. I much prefer the mysticism of Bangladeshi slaves when it comes to my garments and Indians when it comes to answering my calls.

 ‘I just think of all the money I bring to those poor people’s lives all from making my Prada belt or changing my mobile phone plan. One day I’ll go to India and wave at them from my room at the Hilton.’

Elderly retiree, Eric Higgins, feels though that the slavery arrangements are unfair. ‘Just once I would like to call Telstra and have someone understand me. I don’t want an internet connection, I want some special fried rice.’

Apart from cars no one wants, Australians have not made their own things since Gough Whitlam told them they didn’t have to in the ’70s. Since then, they have embraced the benefits of slavery at an ever-increasing rate each year. Yet they remain hesitant to allow the slaves to visit the country via boat or buy their houses.

‘Who’s going to make our things if they’re out sailing or appearing in episodes of The Block?’ asked Cynthia. “I’m all for economic empowerment as long as they remember their place. Someone needs to make my iPhone 7.’

John Cahill

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