Electorate Imagines Abbott’s Death, Polls Improve

The Australian electorate collectively woke this morning from the loveliest dream in which Tony Abbott was no longer Prime Minister. The imagined cause of this much coveted outcome varied, some envisioned a triumphant Turnbull at the conclusion of a spill, many dreamt of Julie Bishop imitating a winking smiley emoji while others simply visualised him being washed out to sea in his iconic red speedo.

The general sense of well-being that was created by the mass concurrent delusion has, ironically, caused a sizeable bump in the polls. The electorate responded positively to the news that Abbott was no longer leader, and had suffered a fatal event, despite the fact that it was only imagined.

Polling guru Callan Breen told the (un)Australian, “the electorate is generally pretty stupid.”

When pressed to provide further analysis Breen said, “Sigh… fine, but that really is the root of the problem. I guess I would say that we’ve seen the Australian people respond in large numbers to things that don’t actually exist in the past. Like the government’s perceived control of interest rates, the creation of terrorist threats are always successful and who could forget the voters believing Kevin Rudd actually had charisma.”

Breen continued, “It’s no surprise to me that people are now just imagining the outcomes they want and then just voting for them, how else can you explain Abbott’s victory in the first place.”

Ryan Crawford

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Categories: Politics

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