Deputy Prime Minister Warren Trust will this afternoon announce that Australian aviation regulations will be strengthened to ensure that there will be two people in the cockpit at all times.
This move comes shortly after it was revealed that German co-pilot Andreas Lubitz, locked his colleague out of the cockpit after he had left to go to the toilet.
“To prevent this all too common tragedy from happening again”, the Transport Minister will be making it mandatory for all domestic and international flights to carry empty bottles in the cockpit, so pilots don’t have to leave when they need to urinate.
The move was proposed by Cabinet’s national security committee, who when questioned how the proposed changes would affect female pilots, concluded that “this was flying a plane, not walking down aisles handing out peanuts” and thus the issue would never come up.
Pilots have been advised they’ll need to hold in anything more for the duration of the flight, until the committee can finalise plans for a “plastic, sack like object” that could be tied up and handed to a steward for disposal.
Cabinet was advised that “any disposal device would have to meet the Australian Aviation Code’s 76 rules for safe fecal transportation”.
The committee recommended that Passiona bottles should be avoided to prevent confusion. Coca-Cola Amatil’s Mt Franklin brand bottled water is already seeking a sponsorship deal with Qantas.
Events where co-pilots are locking out their colleagues whilst they’re using the bathroom and crashing the plane are now averaging one a week, according to the latest industry figures, which have been recording this data since one week ago.
Most Australians have been reassured by these new measures, concluding that now that the government has addressed this pressing issue, it can finally start work on solving global warming.
Matthew Farthing is the political reporter for The (un)Australian. Queensland premier Annastacia Palaszczuk sacked him from the Labor Party after he revealed his past involvement in the Russell Street bombing.