Tony Abbott has been spotted turning back boats off the coast of Southend-on-Sea late Tuesday night, following reports that he had disappeared into the Thames River.
Australia’s former Prime Minister is currently in the UK in order to deliver the second annual Margaret Thatcher Lecture, held last night to an audience of Conservative Party members and ministers, as well as esteemed toffs in the local community.
Mr Abbott used his speech to condemn the scourge of people fleeing war torn countries, insisting: “We must be careful of misguided altruism, as any altruism will misguide us from the path of ignoring the suffering of others for our own personal gain.
“Too much mercy for some necessarily undermines justice for all,” Mr Abbott told the audience, to rapturous applause from members tired of being part of a political party known for its grand expressions of mercy.
However, as the night progressed, Mr Abbott began to lose focus. Warning signs began to show when the member for Warringah lost his train of thought while condemning the ISIS-fication of Germany. By the end of his speech, Mr Abbot was just repeating the lines.
“Boats, boats. Gotta stop them boats,” his head ticking to the right as he spoke.
The speech came to an abrupt end after Mr Abbott spotted a young Tory audience member readjusting his bowtie. Mr Abbott’s head began to sink into his hands as he struggled to get out “Boat… I… stop boats.”
A witness who was in the audience at the time told The (un)Australian that it was at this point that Mr Abbott’s face went blood red with rage as he ripped off his tuxedo jacket and let out a primal scream.
Mr Abbott began flipping tables while yelling “Turn! Back! Boats!” A curious crowd followed the raging politician outside and watched as he stomped angrily into the Thames River and began swimming towards the sea.
Since then, witnesses from the seaside resort town of Southend-on-Sea have been reporting sightings of Mr Abbott single-handedly turning back any seafaring vessel he encounters, as shirtlessly as possible.
Despite what some might refer to as an ‘abrupt’ ending, reviews of Mr Abbott’s performance were mostly positive.
“He seemed very charismatic. The kind of man you want making a ‘captain’s call’,” a young Tory member told The (un)Australian.
“I don’t know why Australia got rid of him.”
Matthew Farthing is the UK Reporter for the (un)Australian. He considers it very brave for Tony Blair to admit that he helped ruin Iraq, but while he’s at it, the former British Prime Minister should apologise for ruining Brit-Pop.