Army To Use Kevin Andrews’ Hair As Armour


Australia’s special forces troops are to be supplied with a special lightweight body armour created from the same bullet resistant material as Defence Minster Kevin Andrews’s hair.

“This stuff is twice as tough as Kevlar and almost as flexible,” said plastics expert Duncan Smeemate at the unveiling of the new suit at SAS headquarters in Perth. “As an added advantage, its resemblance to the skin of a greased hog means it’ll make excellent camouflage for any of our soldiers if they are forced to hide out in a pig farm.”

Andrews volunteered to trial the material on his own head for the past decade and reports that it is impervious to bullets, criticism and good taste. It will replace Broncrete, the defence force’s current bullet proof armour that Bronwyn Bishop had been sporting on top of her head for the past thirty years.

“Broncrete is incredibly tough and durable and has proven itself impervious to the downdraft from Blackhawk choppers on thousands of missions,” said SAS Sergeant Bill Goodings. “It just proved to be incredibly expensive and I think the taxpayer will be pleased with the cheap and lightweight alternative offered by Mr Andrews.”

An SAS soldier who was modelling the new armour was released from the Perth dog pound later in the day after being mistaken by the council dog catcher for a stray Staffordshire terrier.

Peter Green

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