Secret ACTU Army Training At Dubai To Take On Abbott


An ACTU-backed grassroots army is secretly training in Dubai, vowing to defeat the government and consign Prime Minister Tony Abbott to political history, The (un)Australian can exclusively reveal.

The unprecedented, top-secret campaign involves rank-and-file activists training with active members of the SAS in the United Arab Emirates. Sources have revealed that the plot involves training “replacement” politicians in a daring operation to smash what union insiders consider the “Liberal stranglehold” over the nation.

It is believe the next phase of the multi-million dollar campaign will see activists seeking to seize control of federal parliament and Coalition MP offices across the country in daring midnight operations, with Coalition MPs turning up to work faced with locked gates patrolled by burly men in balaclavas with dogs.

Elected Coalition MPs across the country will then be replaced by non-Coalition MPs trained in Dubai.

Coalition employment minister Eric Abetz condemned the alleged plan, saying such “unsavoury conduct” was unprecedented in Australian history. The minister said: “Balaclava-wearing thugs with dogs blocking workplaces? Never, ever before. It is absolutely unthinkable in a country like ours.”

But speaking off the record, an ACTU spokesperson admitted to The (un)Australian that drastic action was called for, citing the drag on productivity caused by the unsustainable wages and conditions of government members.

“Their perks and privileges are a major block to ongoing economic growth. If we want to compete globally, we urgently need to modernise to bring our parliament into line with key overseas competitors. Vietnamese politicians, for instance, meet for more days of the year for close to a tenth the pay.”

Asked whether or not hastily trained replacement MPs could be expected to perform to the standards of the incumbent government, the spokesperson said: “How hard can it be to eat raw onions while dismantling the social safety net and voting against the 21st century? They’ve trained for this, they’ll be fine.”

However, Senator Abetz insisted the Coalition would not roll over without a fight, predicting a prolonged and damaging battle. “We stand united behind the slogan ‘Tony Abbott Here To Stay!,” Abetz said. Foreshadowing a campaign of “community assemblies,” Abetz insisted: “We will last one more day than them!”

The nation appears set for a drawn-out conflict that could go so far as to threaten the ABC’s much-loved Parliament Question Time broadcasts.

Carlo Sands

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