Presidential candidate Donald Trump has vowed to make America great again, despite admitting that he has no idea which past era of greatness he might be referring to.
“You know, like the 1940s when we won the war and dropped the bomb on Hiroshima,” said Trump as he gazed longingly at his own reflection in an Iowa pond. “Though you probably have to disregard that segregation was still a thing in the south, women were being excluded from the workforce and we all thought the Andrews Sisters were as good as music was ever going to get.”
“Okay, maybe the 1980s. America had just seen off the Soviets to end the cold war,” mused Trump as a tear fell from his eye as he realised that he could never hold his beloved reflection in his arms. “That is if you ignore the Iran Contra scandal, the decay of America’s industrial strength under a senile president, rampant street crime and that all the girls wore bubble skirts and knee warmers.”
“Hmmm. The 60s? No, Vietnam and hippies. The 70s? Watergate and disco. How about 1776 and the era of our founding fathers,” said Trump as he considered the possibility of having himself cloned. “That was when America was great. Granted, there was the whole slavery thing happening and everyone went to the toilet in a bucket. I give up. This country has never been great.”
Trump spent the rest of the day searching through the history books looking for some period in history where America had recovered from a crippling financial crisis, hadn’t started any major wars and had made an honest attempt at providing universal health care before returning to the pond to gaze once again upon his perfect physique.