Cardinal George Pell has raced to number four on the Vatican music download charts following the release of a new song in which he pleas with comedian songwriter Tim Minchin to come clean and face up to a visit to the barber shop.
“For years now Tim Minchin has avoided his responsibility to take a bath and get a decent haircut,” said Cardinal Pell from his sick bed inside the Vatican. “All I want him to do is come to confession and admit that his songs from the musical Matilda were the cause of a lot of bratty behaviour from pigtail wearing schoolgirls.”
Pell’s single courts controversy with such lines as “Come on Tim Minchin show us that you’re brave, lather up your face and give yourself a shave” and “Why do you coat your eyes with so much charcoal, is it because you’re a bit of an ar-tist”.
A spokesperson for Tim Minchin described the lyrics as childish and hurtful.
“Tim has stated many times in the past that he is more than willing to face up to a bar of soap via a satellite link but does not see the point of having to be in the same room as it,” said his manager. “He is not trying to cover up any parts of his face that may be embarrassing with bumfluff and has in fact showered many times over the past thirty years.”
Minchin’s legal team are currently looking into whether the line “Taking a bath won’t put your life in peril, you can borrow my loofah you barefooted feral” is libelous.