Former Prime Minister-turned-loyal-backbencher Tony Abbott said today that his famous pledge of “no wrecking, no undermining and no sniping” against his replacement Malcolm Turnbull was “holding up much better than this so-called leader’s crap showing”.
Insisting he “wasn’t that keen on speaking to the press these days”, Mr Abbott still found time out to speak exclusively to The (un)Australian close to six months after he was dramatically dumped by the Liberal Party caucus room. The ex-leader was at pains to emphasise he remained “100% a team player, even if it is hard with this clown who can’t even get the most basic tax policy right!”
“I told Malcolm, if you can’t ‘axe’ it or ‘stop’ it, don’t talk about it. Do something constructive to show the voters what you’re about, like knight a duke or eat an onion or two.”
Mr Abbott was adamant his main concern was the government winning the coming election, likely to be called sometime this year, rather than simply defending his “bold” legacy, which he spent an hour-and-half “summing up briefly”.
“Look, I could have won this election, there is no doubt about that,” he said. “And I could have done it with a decent budget filled with cost savings from the sort of hard decisions the current bastard hasn’t the guts to take.
“But that’s the past, obviously, and we are stuck with this lily-livered traitor who isn’t even a real conservative, behind which we all, of course, unite with total loyalty.”