The NSW Transport Minister is happy for the state’s cyclists to ride their bikes in the backyard and maybe down at the park but is adamant that they won’t be allowed to ride on the busy roads.
“We can’t allow people to play with their toys just anywhere,” said Duncan Gay after introducing new laws designed to put smug pedal pushing wankers in their proper place. “If we give cyclists a whole lane of the traffic to play in then we’ll have to set a side a lane for people who want play with Lego on the road and another lane for Barbie dolls.”
The new laws which started on the first of March have raised fines to a million billion dollars for any cyclist who doesn’t travel with a servant carrying a red flag walking thirty meters ahead of them to stop them spooking horses, a minimum of ten years in jail for doing a wheelie and summary execution for any gathering of more than five middle aged men in lycra at a cafe on a Sunday morning.
“All we’re asking for is for every other road user to pay for a separate lane just for us without us having to pay for a license or carry any ID or obey any of the road rules because we’re the special bicycle people,” said Bob Pannier form the Sydney Bike Riders Collective. “In Copenhagen they have special lanes for cyclists and in Copenhagen they have water stations for cyclists and in Copenhagen every cyclist gets a foot massage from the Queen of Denmark on their birthday.”
Mr Pannier, who answered in the negative when asked if he loved Copenhagen so much why didn’t he go over there and marry it, also supplied us with the interesting fact that as many as 3% of the cyclists in Sydney in peak hour aren’t massively high paid employees of overseas investment banking firms who can afford to ride a taxi to work but would rather be showing off how cool they are.
“If only we had more cycle lanes I’m sure most workers would leave their cars at home and opt to arrive at work two hours later than usual covered in sticky sweat”, said Mr Pannier. “You only have to look at the smiling faces of everyone riding around communist China in the 1960s to see what a joyful place Sydney would become if we stopped worshipping the motor vehicle.”