The entire first month of the election campaign has been revealed to be a total waste of time after Australian voters found out that they can choose for themselves where to direct their preferences.
“You mean all this bollocks about where to put the Greens on your ballot paper is meaningless because I can choose it myself,” said confused voter Ashley Donkey. “But why has it been such a big thing in the media? Granted there’s been bugger all else to report on.”
“We only print those how to vote cards as an excuse to give those creepy, stalkery campaign volunteers something to do on election day that gets them out of our faces,” admitted Labor candidate Meredith Sellout. “I always make sure the most obsessive ones are at a polling booth way out in the sticks where I know I’m not going to run into them.”
“Psst pssst psst psst psst,” said famed preference whisperer Jason Convolute. We have no idea what he said because the prick never speaks up.
“Australian voters have always been able to decide their own preferences,” said ABC psephologist Anthony Green. “And boy do I congratulate myself every day for taking psephology at uni, even though I was the only person in the class and it got rather lonely. Look how well I’m doing now, you engineering wankers.”
“I always vote for the Greens candidate in my electorate just to encourage the poor guy,” said typical voter Rowena Mungbean. “I know its really a vote for Labor anyway because I always preference the ALP next. The Greens guy just looks so sad in the posters that I want to make him feel a little better.”